Our iPhone, who art in Cupertino, Hallowed be thy Name

I purchased an iphone yesterday. Just typing that sentence sent endorphines streaming through my brain. This glorious device has revolutionized the world of cellular communication. The days of not being able to book a reservation while simultaneously video-chatting is over. Finally, some balance is restored to the Universe.

 The iPhone does spectacular things, though to unlock the complete mysteries of the iphone, one really needs to own an iphone. For instance, since purchasing the iphone, the iphone has made the following changes in my life.

1. The first Facebook status I posted from my iphone received 17 Likes. Yes, let that soak in for a minute.

2. Upon purchasing the iphone, I immediately gag if I drink water that is non-artesian. Only square bottles for me, please.

3. The iphone has made me think clearer, jump higher, upped my fast-twitch muscle speed, and increased both the size and longevity of my erection. Needless to say I have been transformed into a sexual dynamo.


I was on an iphone internet forum, strictly for those who have accepted the iphone into their hearts, and I learned so much about the iphone community. We are a clean people, a strong people. People of great consequence. People of action. This one troll, "DroidDude787" kept bashing us but we all ganged up on him and made fun of his diabetic mother. It can only be assumed that he committed suicide, which I can honestly understand as my entire perception of life and death has been irreversibly altered since my iphone re-birth.

The Plebians (iSpeak slang for those who have not given over their lives to iphone) make arguments concerning the "hellish" conditions of iphone production plants in China. They call it slave labor, and squawk about the 17 + suicides that have occurred. This is flawed logic. Those people got to touch iphones every day of their lives. Naming a more fulfilling occupation escapes me.

Back before I joined the iCommunity, I was faced with the horrors of basic celluar technology. Basic is too kind. Archaic, crude, or heathen are better terms. Here is a little comparison.

1. My old phone had a camera that was great if you liked pointing a phone at something, pushing a button, and creating a mess of colors that is indiscernable to the unassisted eye. My iphone camera uses retina display, which I can only assume means it contains the retinas of fallen Chinese iphone plant workers. With my iphone camera, I can see the individual striations on the wheatgrass in my Yorganic Bliss Bowl.

2. My old phone model was bulky, fat, and slow, much like the majority of its users. My new iphone is sleek, trim, sexy and smooth, much like the women who will inevitably fall for me due to my awesome iphone.


Since upgrading, I needed to find some uses for my old phone. I paid good money for it, and we iphoners know a thing or two about money. (please, we own iphones, don't we?) Looking around my apartment I found several excellent applications for my old phone. By applications I mean uses, not in terms of iphone applications, of which hundreds of thousands exist and two of which are running on my iphone as I type this. These tasks seemed perfectly suited for such a device.

Finally, something to fix that wobble.

I find this gives my whites an extra crisp feeling.

Primitive tools need primitive functions. I always start my day off right.

If you don't own an iphone, buy one. At best it will transform your life and elevate you to "God among Men" status. At worst it will make you better than everyone else.