Sunday, March 25, 2012

Hail! President Santorum!

by Jim Kopetz



    No doubt I'm not alone in imagining the nightmare a Santorum presidency would incite. Fortunately, he will not win. Romney has been and will be the Republican nominee. The ides of March have passed and April will provide Romney with the delegates needed to secure the nomination. But what if? What if Rick Santorum sold his soul in a Faustian plea for the presidency? Like Robert Johnson without the soul. What if?

    Women would be the first group dragged into the pit, but that goes without saying. None of the Republican candidates promote policies that benefit the general well-being of women. Just this week Romney declared if elected president he would put an end to Planned Parenthood. But Romney's deranged policy positions are nothing compared to Santorum. If it was up to him, we'll go back to the Hays Code in film and pornography will be outlawed all together. Anyone caught masturbating shall be shot dead, not even allowing a final "climax". Testosterone-fueled man-beasts will roam the streets with gnashed teeth and clenched fists. It will get ugly.



    Homosexuality will be made illegal, and anyone convicted of sodomy shall face brutal punishment. They'll be sent to Christian Conversion Camps where Dutch priests will castrate them if they can't be "changed" by Marcus Bachmann. Santorum will order the confiscation of all amyl-nitrate and S&M bondage tools be sent to his office for "inspection". He still has yet to confirm or deny the "amyl-nitrate-gate" that could ruin his chance for election. But where there's smoke, there's fire.



    So while Obama has been a disappointment, the idea of Santorum running this country is ludicrous. I'll end this with a motto from a certain employer…

    Rick Santorum. Go. Fuck. Yourself.




    This is the prelude to the end of the world...

1 comment:

  1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=egtaV6Pj8yI

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