The $500 hint

by Jeff Warzecha

Newt, take the hint. If you are trying to register on the Utah ballot and your $500 registration and reservation check bounces, it's probably time to hang up your hat.

Your campaign debt has now ballooned to $4.5 million. It's time to admit defeat, repay your supporters the money you stole from them and get out of your doomed race for the white house. The American people have clearly spoken and so should your conscience.

Wait! That's why he hasn't exited the race yet. The man who divorced two wives because of their health problems, was kicked out of his only viable governmental position, has been shamed from every decision he's made, and has consistently lied to the American people doesn't have a conscience nor a heart. It all makes sense now!

Instead of trying to come up with the $500 yourself, consider these better alternatives for the same price tag:

• Tanning (at least a two year membership--Should get you to stop looking like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.)
• Etiquette courses (certainly I don't need to explain why...)
• Marriage counseling (while you swear it's fine now, your track record certainly disagrees)
• A new suit (buy 1 get 1 at Men's Wearhouse)
• Greyhound Bus ticket (you can visit the White House most weekend mornings)
• Supporters' reimbursement ($.025 for each of the people who "supported" you)
• Liposuction (at least a down payment)
• Concession Banner (Just do it already!)
• Old Country Buffet (if liposuction isn't up your alley, you can at least take a few of your former campaign staff out to eat...your treat!)
• Name change form (maybe the fact that you share a name with a slimy slithering creature had something to do with your lack of popularity)
• Apology ad time (2 seconds is all it takes to say "I'm sorry" and abruptly end)
• Megaphone (don't worry, there's still one way you can still be the loudest speaker around...)
• Performance-enhancing drugs (I'm not talking about steroids...)
• Mitt Romney's campaign (lawlz)
• Freddie and Fannie stock (pay them back for some of what you stole from them)
• Sponsor Rush Limbaugh's radio show (someone has to...)
• Support Prelude to the End of the World: the only blog that matters.