There's one catch. I am a thinker, an analyzer and depending on who you ask, a deranged and charming head case. It makes things interesting but it makes me picky.
I need a girl or a wife from a light beer commercial. Here are my reasons!
1 Light beer wives are always beautiful. They aren't model skinny or model tall, but they have faces like angels with no superficial imperfections. Beauty is everything, and those that say otherwise have ugly faces and uglier souls.
2 Light beer wives are always sporty. They have hard bods and medium-to-big chests, but are so comfortable in their beauty that they wear jeans and little hooded sweatshirts.
3 It is always inferred that light beer wives are working professionals. These women are not stay-at-home women. They don't wake up at 11:00AM and watch "You are NOT the father" television.
3a Light beer wives are legal eagles or boardroom mavens. They contribute. That man-cave? They purchased 50% of it. They purchased 75% of it, if the pot-roast was overcooked the night before. 3b Light beer wives spend 8:AM-6:00PM making corporate America their bitch. Being said, when they cross the threshold and enter their shared home they understand that they live in a man's world and truly understand that oral sex and a light beer is the greatest contribution they can make to their husband's night.
4 Light beer wives get involved. They are so cute, attempting to like and understand sports. Attempting to have vested interests in the outcomes, dawww. It's adorable!
5 Light beer wives always have a pack of light beer girlfriends. Light beer wives and their light beer girlfriends congregate to create an anomalous coagulation of hotness and sportiness. A dizzying display of refined beauty in relaxed attire. They combine do-as-you-please attitudes with you-will-pay-for-this-later attitudes, communicated through raised eyebrows and packaged tightly behind D cups and glistening teeth and pouting lips.
5a Its always nice to play the field. Men and women, Women and men, they want what they can't have. If your light beer wife is blonde with A cups, her light beer girlfriend who is brunette with D's starts to look awfully tempting. Charm your light beer wife's friends. Flirt. Look, but do not touch if you think you will get caught. If you think you won't get caught, touch.
Touch with great enthusiasm and youthful vigor. Touch like its your first time practicing heavy petting on your next door neighbor. Touch until the guilt keeps you up at night and in a daze in the shower and deep in your head in your car and until you break down and confess your touching to your light beer wife. She will forgive you and even accept some responsibility for driving you to touch.
Light beer wives are the uberwoman. The uberwench.
Sadly, they only exist in the mind of some sad commercial director or ad team. They do not exist because they are perfection, and perfection does not exist. So if they can't come to me, I guess I'll go to them. Attempt to attract them. I simply need to fabricate a world that resembles a light beer commercial.
All I need is:
1 . $1,000,000, after tax, entirely liquid and untraceable. This should cover the charming 3500 sq. ft. Victorian, the German cars, the in-ground pool, the attached Jacuzzi with fiber optic mood lights, the outdoor cabana with professional grade grill, the four 70" high resolution liquid crystal televisions, the multi-channel surround sound system, the ping-pong table, the snooker table, the dart board, the African safari that made the stuffed and mounted Kudu heads possible, and the breeder's fee/training costs/vaccinations/de-worming of a runty dog that can perform impossibly human tasks like fetching light beer.
2 Four childhood friends, with a friendship bonded and cemented and glued by a harrowing and life threatening experience. Maybe it was a plane crash where we all remarkably survived. and everyone saved everyone else's life at least twice. Luckily, there was zero residual physiological or psychological trauma from the plane crash, so we all could return to our jobs as securities traders and corporate lawyers.
2a. Two of my friends need to be white. One needs to be black. The last needs to be either Asian or Indian, whichever is more in vogue for the season. They must all must channel the looks of Adonis and possess immaculate charm / easygoing-yet refined style. Essentially, they need to be able to attract light beer wives.
3 Lastly, all I need to create my own light beer commercial existence is the ability to make every single day of the week a Saturday. Every light beer commercial seems to take place on Saturday, mid-afternoon to evening. The perfect time, perfectly insulated from the monotonous brutality of work. The husband, aged 25-30, has finished mowing the lawn while the wife cleaned or organized the beautiful and spacious and idyllic home. Saturday, 4:30PM. Late enough that you don't seem like a drunk to be asking for a light beer, but early enough to show that you still possess a youthful riskiness and disagreement with established adult norms.
This is all I need to create my light beer commercial existence.
I need a new girlfriend. Hell, maybe a wife.
My ex left me because she thought I was a serial philanderer and a verbally abusive misogynist. From what distant and gaseous planet does her silly little mind get these ideas?
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| Irony |
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