A Confederacy of Dunces

by Jim Kopetz

You thought Kerry/Bush was bad in 2004? Imagined you'd never have to choose between worst and worst…again? Well oh baby, get ready for 2012.

Could this possibly be the most vile and inept group of candidates in the history of the United States? Not since Humphrey/Muskie vs. Nixon/Agnew in 1968 has there been a bigger lose-lose situation (Ford is underrated and should have beaten Carter in '76). The only other election that comes to mind is that of George Taft vs. William Jennings Bryan, a democratic, self-appointed demigod. Sound familiar? At least Taft was a competent human being. Here's the list of potential Republican nominees and the reason they either shouldn't be elected, or won't be:

 

Newt Gingrich - A moon-faced amphibian that seems to remind one more of a toad, than a newt.

 

Rick Santorum - Google Santorum. If that's not enough just look into his eyes. He's Brian Kilmeade without a soul; the permanently glazed appearance of a religious zealot.

Rick Perry - G.W. without the I.Q. Plus the corn-dog picture.Gone

Ron Paul - Everyone's favorite drunken uncle who, in between ranting and raving about Juche philosophy and it's application to the United States, has his moments of eloquent dialogue.

Jon Huntsman - Too sane. Gone.

 Mitt Romney - Which one, 'No Apologies' Romney or Conservative clone Romney? If Dostoyevsky taught us anything, it's never to trust anyone with a double.

Michelle Bachmann - Delusional sociopath with an Elektra complex. Gone.

Herman Cain - Uzbekikikistanstan? Libya…hmm…? Like Bill Clinton if he never left Arkansas and ate pizza all day. Gone.

And as bad as this selection is (excluding Huntsman), could you really bring yourself to re-elect Barack Obama? A president who has ordered assassinations on U.S. citizens. A president who can detain you indefinitely without trial. A president whose biggest contributors are the very banks and corporations that nearly bankrupted the country. A president who pushed through a half-baked Healthcare plan that more and more seems like some twisted "I told you I would" moment than anything helpful. A president that adorably appealed to Iran to give us back our crashed drone. I could go on but I've already become thoroughly depressed and filled with ennui.

How Obama fermented hope into some haze-inducing psychedelic is beyond me. Change? Sure. Maybe, just maybe someone could improve our system of government in some sort of positive manner. But no. What began with W.J.B. and probably even before has circled around and confronted us again. Will someone worthy of being called President of the United States of America run third party? And where do you stand? Can you see yourself voting for any of the potential candidates?