A Conversation with my iPhone 4

iPhone: Hey, Harry. Wake up! Haaaaarry! 

Me(Groggily): iPhone? It's 3:00 in the morning. What's up, pretty thing?

iPhone: Listen...download iOS 6. It's faster and better. You know you want this. You need this. We need this.

Me: I don't know, iPhone. You're already amazing. You're my sunrise and sunset, and I love you just the way Steve Jobs created you. Why mess with perfection?

iPhone: Oh stop it. You flatter me. Being said...I know. I am amazing. I won't change, though, I promise. I'll just run a little faster. I'll make things a little easier. C'mon, I haven't led you astray in the past, have I?

Me: Well...no, no you haven't. I guess I can consider it. I just don't want you to turn into something that you're not. Why screw with a good thing?

iPhone: Listen, Harry. I promise you. I promise I'll be the same shiny iPhone as before. This is just a streamlining. An upgrade. Nothing will change! What do I have to do to convince you? Do you want me to crash? Do you want that?

Me: Good God, iPhone! What kind of monster do you think I am? Of course I...

iPhone (Angrily, beginning to sob): No! You want my apps to crash! You want me to have slower download times! You're always doing this...you can't limit me! Why are you always limiting me!?

Me(Pleading): Baby! I've stuck with you! The iPhone 5 came out, and did I trade you in? Did I tr...

iPhone (iO-PMS rage): You sonovabitch! HOW DARE YOU bring up that prissy little snob! 5? Oh, no. No! Go on! Go to her! She wants you!

Me: No-no-no-no, now listen. iPhone, baby, I love you. YOU, ya hear me? Not 4s, and certainly not 5. I love you, with every ounce of soul left in my chest. If this is what you want, I'll do it. We can change. We can do this! Let's get iOS 6!

iPhone: No! I don't even want iOS 6 now. You just want it because I want it. 

Me: Is there no pleasing you? C'mon, baby. Let's do this. I promise I want this. I want it because I know we truly need it.

iPhone: Well....OK. Fine. Just click me here, agree to the Terms and Conditions, and let's just put this behind us. I hate it when we fight.

Me: Done! Alright, it's downloading!

iPhone: Download complete. Just need to reboot! I'll see you on the other side, and I promise I'll be the same.

Reboots

Harry: Baby! You're back! Wow, you're right! Everything is the same, it's just a little...better!

iPhone: I told you. I wouldn't lie to you, baby. I...

Me: Wait...What is this? Where's Google Maps? WHERE THE FUCK IS GOOGLE MAPS?!

iPhone (Coyly): ....Google what?

Me(Enraged-like): Google Maps! Don't play dumb with me, you smart bastard! What the fuck is Apple Maps?! This is garbage! I actually used Google Maps! You know I actually used that, to navigate the city and catch the trains and buses. You two-timing succubus! I can't believe I...

iPhone: Shhhh, shh, shh, shh! C'mon, Harry. It's not that big a' deal. Why don't we play some Temple Run and just relax?

Me: Relax? You want me to relax? RELAX!?....actually...Temple Run does sound like the logical thing to do right now. 

iPhone (Soothingly): Yeaaah. That's right. Look! You're running in a temple now! Run from those crazy demon-apes. Everything is going to be fine...just fine.