Guilt Trip Doctor Visits!

Doctor: You should really stop smoking cigarettes now. They're bad, and will lead to health problems further down the road.

Me (Hanging my head in cigarette shame): I know. They're bad. I'll try.

My Brain (Outraged): Smoking is bad? I know smoking is bad. I think my 4-year-old cousin knows smoking is bad, and he, developmentally speaking, isn't supposed to be able to grasp the concept of good and bad! 

Smoking is a disgusting habit. It's a terrible habit. It's a self-destructive habit. A cigarette can kill. It is a murderous plant, right? A cigarette also adds around 5 minutes of pure, unadulterated joy to an otherwise bleak day.  Nicotine is a familiar hug. It's an old friend. It's comforting. My cigarette doesn't judge me, lady.

Yet smoking can "lead to health problems." To that vast dilemma, I eloquently quip "So what?"

You know what else can lead to health problems? Well for starters, living.

Living causes health problems. Living and toxic news stories from CNN and every single delicious fried foodstuff and lying wives and dead pets and brain-stapling jobs and mind-melting television and soul-warping social networking and drone strikes and stubbed toes and lost friends and threats of war 

and an AC unit

falling 

on

your 

head.

Nothing is certain. The only absolute in this life is that nothing is absolute, so if a bunch of leaves make my cells buzz for a few succulent seconds, I say God bless! Smoking ain't killing me today, and it ain't killing me tomorrow, and there are around a billion other things that could.

Good Day, Ma'am!

Doctor: Well, don't just say you'll try. There are are actual steps you can take, you know.

Me: I know. You're right. I was thinking about getting the gum.