Is Mitt Romney a Serial Killer?

by Jim Kopetz

An investigation into Mitt Romney's "binder of women".

Mitt Romney may be a serial killer. He fits the basic criminal profile: white, conservative, doesn't drink, smoke or masturbate. And the magic underpants can be adorned with all sorts of macabre instruments. The Book of Mormon itself condones murder if it is commanded by God.

1 Nephi 4:10-19
 
10 And it came to pass that I was constrained by the Spirit that I should kill Laban; but I said in my heart: Never at any time have I shed the blood of man. And I shrunk and would that I might not slay him.
 
11 And the Spirit said unto me again: Behold the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands. Yea, and I also knew that he had sought to take away mine own life; yea, and he would not hearken unto the commandments of the Lord; and he also had taken away our property.

12 And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me again: Slay him, for the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands;

13 Behold the Lord slayeth the wicked to bring forth his righteous purposes. It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief.

14 And now, when I, Nephi, had heard these words, I remembered the words of the Lord which he spake unto me in the wilderness, saying that: Inasmuch as thy seed shall keep my commandments, they shall prosper in the land of promise.
 
15 Yea, and I also thought that they could not keep the commandments of the Lord according to the law of Moses, save they should have the law.
 
16 And I also knew that the law was engraven upon the plates of brass.
 
17 And again, I knew that the Lord had delivered Laban into my hands for this cause—that I might obtain the records according to his commandments.
 
18 Therefore I did obey the voice of the Spirit, and took Laban by the hair of the head, and I smote off his head with his own sword.
 
19 And after I had smitten off his head with his own sword, I took the garments of Laban and put them upon mine own body; yea, even every whit; and I did gird on his armor about my loins.
 

Sounds exhilarating. So is there any connection to a number of missing women in Massachusetts to Mitt's religious beliefs? That was what led me to the binder. I didn't think it would be so easy to find, but a Franklin here and there will ensure you get proper truth. It would be gross and foul to name any of the connections I've encountered as their families deserve better, but I suggest any law enforcement looking for a huge score: the binder. Or as Mitt calls it: "47%. FUCK! SHIT! FORTY! SEVEN! WHORES!!!"

Vote tomorrow. Republican or Democrat, just vote. If you don't, you can't complain about shit for four years. Trust me, it's worth it.